I really appreciated and took into consideration all the comments I received in the class workshop I was nervous about how the poem would be taken and the responses I would receive because I do have a personal connection with this poem. I was glad that pretty much everyone understood what I was trying to show. I used a lot of the advice I was given to better my poem. so this is the corrections that I have made so far.
She wanted to free herself
the stress of life had become too much.
The sound of words humming in her mind.
Drink one: a shot
Drink two: a shot and a Sunkist
Release came, but not quite enough she kept going,
searching for liberation from all thoughts.
The broken heart she carried, like a weight dragging her down,
the lover who continued to hurt her.
Drink three: a shot no chaser
Her cups overflowed,
filled higher than anyone else’s,
but she never noticed.
Drink 4: mountain dew and vodka
Drink 5: vodka
They were only acquaintances,
only spoke in passing.
Thoughts of these actions were never invited.
Drink 6: vodka
He knew what he meant to do,
Quickly it went from being friendly to
trying to undress her,
but she was still capable enough to say stop.
Drink one, two, three, 4, 5, and 6
They all hit her now, and she couldn’t turn back.
In and out of consciousness,
Mouth unable to say the word.
Mind unable to grasp the concept.
No memories remained,
Somehow she is home,
an unfamiliar sweat on her body,
a foreign smell on her sheets.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
sonnet written by the class
I couldn't decide on a name for it though.
directly form class:
Every morning I wake up brand new
No longer weary after a long sleep
Ready to run and play and shout all day,
But told the blue gray -fog had other plans
The best laid plans can go corrupt however
I will always know the things gone wrong
Arguing is the thing that makes us sure
That we both need our space in a hurry
Otherwise murder is next
Red, black all jumped together the end-
Looking around to find my twin
That does not exist o this same planet
Yet we see the same stars, the same comets
And our galaxies will collide forever.
after rewording:
Every morning I wake expecting clear skies, a great day.
But this blue-gray fog is showing me otherwise.
Placing me, and us, in an awkward mood
fore warning me.
Arguing occurs soon after
Unsurprised and un-phased I tell him,
just like on every other bad day
I wish we didn’t exist on this same planet
Yet we see the same stars, the same comets
And our galaxies will collide forever.
This fighting is pointless,
If only the sun would have shined.
But, if it’s ugly tomorrow as well I think murder may be next
directly form class:
Every morning I wake up brand new
No longer weary after a long sleep
Ready to run and play and shout all day,
But told the blue gray -fog had other plans
The best laid plans can go corrupt however
I will always know the things gone wrong
Arguing is the thing that makes us sure
That we both need our space in a hurry
Otherwise murder is next
Red, black all jumped together the end-
Looking around to find my twin
That does not exist o this same planet
Yet we see the same stars, the same comets
And our galaxies will collide forever.
after rewording:
Every morning I wake expecting clear skies, a great day.
But this blue-gray fog is showing me otherwise.
Placing me, and us, in an awkward mood
fore warning me.
Arguing occurs soon after
Unsurprised and un-phased I tell him,
just like on every other bad day
I wish we didn’t exist on this same planet
Yet we see the same stars, the same comets
And our galaxies will collide forever.
This fighting is pointless,
If only the sun would have shined.
But, if it’s ugly tomorrow as well I think murder may be next
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